Hi, I'm Mongan.  I'm a 32 year old guy from Texas.  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in May, 1998. My diagnosis was a major transition in my life, which has led to greater stability and overall happiness with myself.  Just knowing what I have, how it affects me, and how to cope with it has lifted great burdens of guilt and self-loathing from my shoulders.  Let me tell you how I got to where I am.

At the time of my diagnosis, I was languishing in a Ph.D. program.  Having spent too many years saying I was going to get around to fininshing, I realized that no matter what I did, I couldn't get motivated.  Most of the time, I did the minimum to stay in school and get a paycheck.  I would spend my time watching TV or on the net for endless hours, feeling the opportunities slip away.  Like a heavy, wet sack over my body, something was holding me back from doing those things I knew I needed to do and what I kept promising others I would do.  Of course, I blamed myself and managed to feel worse, making the sack heavier.  Not only did I feel trapped in school, unable to move forward, unwilling to leave, but I missed having a love life.  Fattened by eating poorly, drinking too much, and getting no exercise, I felt too unattractive to meet anyone--not that I had the energy to put on the mask and go out to meet people.

Occassionally, the sack would lift and would be determined to set things right, once and for all.  I would clean and organize, to "fix" my environment so I wasn't living in a mess.  I would exercise vigorously, determined to make myself more attractive.  I would stick to a strict diet, abstaining from alcohol.  I would try patches and gum to quit smoking.  I would set down plans to get moving on my degree.  I would go out with friends, trying to meet someone.  Even though I was energetic, I found it difficult to concentrate on my research.  My mind bounced around, thinking of a million other things that were more fun and stimulating. Inevitably, I would overexert myself at the gym and get sick, putting the brakes on my fitness program.  I would drink with my friends, trying to fit in, then later drink more and more at home.  This would complete the cycle, as the wet sack returned and I just gave up on all my energetic plans.

Eventually, I reached a point where the sack would not go away.  Month after month, I kept trying to pull myself out of it.  It got heavier and heavier.  I reached a critical point, where I was going to have to produce or leave school.  Inside, I was screaming at myself to just do it.  But, I was paralyzed.  Everything seemed to be a major catastrophe.  I pictured myself out on the street, without a job, without the degree which had consumed so many years, unable to do anything, a total disappointment.  I started wishing I would just die.  I thought about suicide constantly.  Yet, I could never think seriously about it.  One night, after drinking too much, I did think about it seriously.  Too seriously.

The next morning, I went to the campus counseling center.  After seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed as bipolar.  I went to the web to find information, consuming it like crazy.  I found a chatroom, where I could talk to other bipolars.  I found nirvana.  Well, I was hypomanic, but it still helped immensly to find out others had what I had.  I wasn't just lazy or weird.  I could help myself.

I continued to see my p-doc and took my meds.  I developed wonderful friendships.  I met my wife to be, Mela.  We helped each other through our moods, lifted each other up with the exhilaration of new love, and eventually decided to tie the knot.  Now I have a love life for life, a partner, and a best friend.  We understand each other more than anyone else ever has.

I never did finish my Ph.D. degree, but now I have the strength and perspective to take that defeat.  I know that the stress was too burdensome for me, being made to feel guilty if I didn't work 12 or 16 hours a day.  I also realize what I have accomplished and what I have gained, even if it isn't part of the original plan.  I would never trade my life with Mela and our kids for anything else.

Now, we devote ourselves to learning everything we can about bipolar disorder.  We want to share our knowledge, show people the way to all there is to learn, and provide a meeting place where others can receive the support, friendship, and love we found.