Hi, my name is Justin. I am a 43 year old bipolar from St. Louis. I was diagnosed in August of 1998, but like most of us, I knew something was seriously wrong long before that. My life was a wreck, and getting even worse.

I have been in emotional trouble for as long as I can remember. I tried diligently to cover up my feelings, to not let others know what a total misfit I was, to hide the depths of my insanity. I searched for “techniques” to feel normal, to fit in with the crowd. I tried to learn how to just relax and not have to always “pre-process” my feelings and reactions before I let them out. I learned to be the clown. Then I tried the quiet reserved intellectual. I went through a 10-year period surviving on illegal drugs. I quit the drugs and mutated into a workaholic for another decade. I decided I needed a social life so I went out and “got” a hobby and obsessed over that for a number of years. I tried, I mean I REALLY TRIED HARD, and the more I tried, the more ground I lost. I was miserable, alone, sad, angry, depressed, frustrated confused, and most of all totally LOST!

The bottom line was I just gave up, withdrew into my little house, and rarely emerged. I spent almost two years there, shades pulled, 25 watt light bulbs throughout the house, dirty clothes and dishes everywhere. I went shopping once a week at bizarre hours, I screwed on a happy face every other month or so for a public appearance with my family. Other than that I sat in my basement and read books or communicated with the outside world through the keyboard. It was not a nice sight.

As I said, I knew I was in trouble, and I did everything I could to avoid and/or deny it. But eventually it caught up with me, I had a manic spell, and this time I had no place to channel it, no job, no project, no hobby, nothing….it was just me and my illness. I spent a week bouncing between profound depression and intense bouts of manic-ness (is that a word?) and I had had ENOUGH!

 I turned to the computer, I was looking for information. I had some ideas it might be manic-depression and I went browsing. Near the top of the list of sites was a chat site, I thought “Kewl - easier than reading tons of stuff, I’ll go, ask my questions, and split” Well, I went to the site and was re-born. It was at the right place, the right time, and I was lucky to find some of the right people. My recovery started 5 minutes after I entered the site.

OK, enough of the ugly stuff, we all paid a stiff initiation to join this rather exclusive club, no one doubts about that. What I think is more interesting is what has happened SINCE I started recovering. Well, it took a while to arrange for some professional help, and the guys in the chat room keep me directed and supported me as I waited for my first appointment. They taught me tricks to get me through a particularly bad hour here and there, and assured me I was not really crazy, just a regular old bipolar! FINALLY a group of people I could relax and just be myself, just a regular old bipolar dude!

My whole life has changed over the subsequent 18 months. I am on a regular regime of medications. I put on 30 pounds (this is good news - I wasted away before), stopped a 2 pack a day habit, and take much better care of myself. The curtains are open again, the is house cleaned up and sorta re-decorated (I am a guy after all) and presentable enough to let guests in the door. I met a young lady, also a bipolar in recovery, and am sharing my life for the first time with another; we are currently engaged. I have been doing some traveling again, and shopping (in daylight even!) and trying to mend fences with family and old friends.

Bottom Line… I am not happy that I have bipolar disorder, but, when you look at it, it is one hell of a lot better than being undiagnosed, untreated, and unbearably miserable. Actually, for the first time in 40+ years, I feel OK!